[It's an innocent-enough question. The point of pumpkin carving? Or the point of being here? Noah can only answer one of those, so he goes for the obvious one.]
Liiike... Eating a whole pie by yourself, type of indulgence?
[Noah knows what indulgences are. Indulgences are when you get into Clamor's wine chocolates at 3am on a school night and spend the rest of the night sick because you're a dumbass kid and he has to parent your ass.]
...it's just for fun, though. [On many levels, he gets it, despite the peppy tone he's using when he makes the comparison.] What's so bad about having fun?
( mafuyu stares at the pumpkin before crossing her arms on top of it and leaning over. )
... Once I reached a certain age, we decided it'd be best to focus on my studies. But before then, Mom couldn't find reputable places to celebrate. So we didn't.
How old are you, anyway? You look like you're close to my age.
[Which, to him, means at some point when she was way too young, she was forced into a life no kid would ever want. Just like him. He sighs, dragging a hand through his hair and momentarily sweeping his bangs out of his face while he leans back.]
Sounds like your mom and my mom should've been friends...
( she's not entirely sure what to make of that statement though- it sounds like he's saying it like it's a bad thing? but... she loves her mom. she just wants what's best for her. its...
...
her mind drifts to the mirror house, and if she'd said anything about what she'd heard. it was stressful, so she might have, but...
...
she doesn't understand.
the world is hard and cold. the pumpkin is also hard and cold, but she's using it to support herself right now. )
[Clamor used to say something like that whenever Noah committed war crimes in Seven Tower. And by war crimes, obviously I mean "teenage boy crimes", which are pretty close to war crimes.]
Parents aren't supposed to, [he makes a sour face, staring off into the distance,] foist all their hopes and dreams onto their kids. That's what... ["What got Harque killed. What made Harque replaceable to them."] ...you know, it's what messes kids like us up forever.
[Nailed it.]
You're supposed to set expectations, yeah, but you're not supposed to turn your kid into a slave. You have to let kids live. Or teenagers. Or whatever. You can't just lock them in a gilded cage because you want them to become something you want through hard studies or whatever.
( it comes out a little too fast, a little too sharp- and then when she realizes, she can only look away in shame. holding the pumpkin like it's something that can fix this, fix her, fix everything that's not enough, mafuyu is quiet for a while before she manages to not mumble. )
... My parents are encouraging. That's all. I wasn't aiming high enough, so they helped me. And now I have to keep up on my studies. That's... just how it is back home.
( but kanade and ena and mizuki are warm and she can't sleep in her own bedroom sometimes- and denial is a heavy drug, but...
the next time she speaks, it's even quieter. )
I heard my mom in the mirrors. I don't... I don't know what that means.
Y'know, [Noah snaps, and maybe his voice is a little too loud, tone a little too sharp, for what was supposed to be something fun,] my brother said the same thing when I was a kid! He said the same thing whenever I'd come to visit him because we weren't allowed to hang out, 'cause my parents were working him into the ground! The same way your mom is working you into the ground!
[...
He realises then that he's getting a little too belligerent and sinks against his seat.]
Sorry, [comes the mutter after a minute,] I didn't mean to yell. The... the mirrors, um, they... [ah, his old stutter, how he didn't miss it,] they showed me images of my brother and Clamor dying, so... I think it's just... it's just something that harps on old trauma. If I had to guess.
( she snaps, and he snaps back- it feels only natural. that's what she tells herself anyways, when she doesn't respond as normal. doesn't flinch or jump or anything. she doesn't react like that when ena yells and lashes out either.
but just like when ena does so, mafuyu listens.
if she had a sibling, would they be barred from each other? if she were an older sister, would she not be allowed to actually be a sister, because of her studies?
...
her mom doesn't even react when she's hurt or sick anymore. she's not allowed to have that. gets reprimanded if she spends too much time helping her classmates study. she has to focus on her own grades. to get into a good college for medical school. to...
...
is he right? it feels like something inside of her head is buzzing at an all time high. the mask falls completely, and her voice is a hollow whisper as she tries to pick through things one at a time. )
[Oof. Uh. How does he bring up Harque without crying?]
...Harque was supposed to become the next Moon Master. It's— it's something important for where I'm from, basically. [In short terms.] But he couldn't use one half of the required magic, while I could, even as a child.
Because it was so important to my family for him to get this position, they worked him half to death. Twelve-hour long days, a rigid schedule, yelling their heads off if he so much as visited me. They always thought he was inadequate and that... that, I don't know, turning every day of his life into a living hell was going to fix their perceptions of him.
I was the "unwanted child". Apparently I was always the reason Harque never "did anything right" or whatever they were always on about. We're thirteen years apart — I was five when he died. My parents never took care of me, so he tried to, but he'd get shouted at when he did.
Well then, Harque discovered time magic — totally out of scope for what he was supposed to be doing, but impressive enough to earn him the title of Master. Or so you'd think, except some cult called Henir's Order came in and assassinated him for it.
So. Because of my parents, I didn't really get to know my brother all that well, and because of the Order, I'll never get the chance to.
[It's... probably obvious by now why Noah took Mafuyu's words so hard.]
( mafuyu tries... very hard not to think about how her grades have become her mother's top concern. how she's been encouraged to slowly drop friendships one by one, to focus on studies instead of helping others. how tutoring detracts from her own efforts.
and then her entire thought process scrambles because holy shit, noah's older brother was murdered- she's.
how do you react to that? like. genuinely. it's... horrifying to think about. she can't imagine having lived it. she doesn't want to.
... and in her attempts to defend a situation she was, frankly, miserable in, she made him relive it.
[And he's going to skip over the whole... doppelganger, years of human experimentation, memory issues, et cetera. Let's just not talk about that! Noah's supposed to be helping her, not the other way around.]
But that's my point — your parents shouldn't treat you like a vehicle for their hopes and dreams. Parents are supposed to have their own dreams, and if they didn't follow them, that's their fault. You're supposed to have your own, too, and not have them be overwritten by your parents.
( you're supposed to have your own dreams, and not have them be overwritten by your parents. for the first time in her life, something clicks. and when she speaks, her voice wavers. )
... That... is what happened, isn't it? I wanted- I wanted to be a nurse and that wasn't good enough for them...
[Noah sets his pumpkin down, and then steals hers away too for a moment to move it safely to the ground. Then, he leans in for a side-hug, awkward but meaningful all the same. It feels like the correct thing to do.]
Yeah, that's... what I mean. You should follow your dreams. Don't give up on them.
( no her physical support- yes mafuyu does fall forward a little and almost hits the table it's propped on. it might be funny if she wasn't about to cry. if the first hug, however awkward and not entirely a hug it may be, she's gotten in years didn't break the dam completely.
hiding her face in her hands, her shoulders hitch in quiet sobs. )
( mafuyu listens, takes everything in- the comforting touch she hasn't felt in so long, his words... why is it that she's only getting these explicit comforts and reassurances in this hell?
when she tries to speak, nothing comes out. so for a little bit, she'll just cling to noah and cry.
even if she thinks she kind of hates that, actually? )
( maybe it would have but a bitch is still touch-starved and being fed. ... and has been awakened to the fact that she needs hugs. you will be giving her more. this is not optional.
eventually, those painful sobs die down to quiet hiccups, and her throat hurts again. her head, too. her eyes always sting after crying... people say that crying helps release the pain, that you'll feel better afterwards. she's not sure if she believes it. )
... Do you think your brother could have escaped that life...?
He wanted the best for me, [Noah backpedals,] and to him, maybe that was through becoming a Master.
Or maybe, he just wanted to become a Master to escape. Masters are supposed to cut ties with their families, from what I'm told. He might have seen that as a way out, but I don't... I don't know.
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amuze2022-10-05 07:15 pm
d. can i double dip? i'm double dipping
[It's an innocent-enough question. The point of pumpkin carving? Or the point of being here? Noah can only answer one of those, so he goes for the obvious one.]
It's fun! Have you ever carved a pumpkin before?
PAWS AT U
No. ... My family always found this sort of thing to be... an indulgence.
EATS YOUR PAWS
[Noah knows what indulgences are. Indulgences are when you get into Clamor's wine chocolates at 3am on a school night and spend the rest of the night sick because you're a dumbass kid and he has to parent your ass.]
...it's just for fun, though. [On many levels, he gets it, despite the peppy tone he's using when he makes the comparison.] What's so bad about having fun?
NO NOT MY PAWS
... Once I reached a certain age, we decided it'd be best to focus on my studies. But before then, Mom couldn't find reputable places to celebrate. So we didn't.
no subject
[Which, to him, means at some point when she was way too young, she was forced into a life no kid would ever want. Just like him. He sighs, dragging a hand through his hair and momentarily sweeping his bangs out of his face while he leans back.]
Sounds like your mom and my mom should've been friends...
no subject
( she's not entirely sure what to make of that statement though- it sounds like he's saying it like it's a bad thing? but... she loves her mom. she just wants what's best for her. its...
...
her mind drifts to the mirror house, and if she'd said anything about what she'd heard. it was stressful, so she might have, but...
...
she doesn't understand.
the world is hard and cold. the pumpkin is also hard and cold, but she's using it to support herself right now. )
no subject
[Clamor used to say something like that whenever Noah committed war crimes in Seven Tower. And by war crimes, obviously I mean "teenage boy crimes", which are pretty close to war crimes.]
Parents aren't supposed to, [he makes a sour face, staring off into the distance,] foist all their hopes and dreams onto their kids. That's what... ["What got Harque killed. What made Harque replaceable to them."] ...you know, it's what messes kids like us up forever.
[Nailed it.]
You're supposed to set expectations, yeah, but you're not supposed to turn your kid into a slave. You have to let kids live. Or teenagers. Or whatever. You can't just lock them in a gilded cage because you want them to become something you want through hard studies or whatever.
no subject
( it comes out a little too fast, a little too sharp- and then when she realizes, she can only look away in shame. holding the pumpkin like it's something that can fix this, fix her, fix everything that's not enough, mafuyu is quiet for a while before she manages to not mumble. )
... My parents are encouraging. That's all. I wasn't aiming high enough, so they helped me. And now I have to keep up on my studies. That's... just how it is back home.
( but kanade and ena and mizuki are warm and she can't sleep in her own bedroom sometimes- and denial is a heavy drug, but...
the next time she speaks, it's even quieter. )
I heard my mom in the mirrors. I don't... I don't know what that means.
( denial is a powerful, powerful monster.
and so is love. )
no subject
[...
He realises then that he's getting a little too belligerent and sinks against his seat.]
Sorry, [comes the mutter after a minute,] I didn't mean to yell. The... the mirrors, um, they... [ah, his old stutter, how he didn't miss it,] they showed me images of my brother and Clamor dying, so... I think it's just... it's just something that harps on old trauma. If I had to guess.
no subject
but just like when ena does so, mafuyu listens.
if she had a sibling, would they be barred from each other? if she were an older sister, would she not be allowed to actually be a sister, because of her studies?
...
her mom doesn't even react when she's hurt or sick anymore. she's not allowed to have that. gets reprimanded if she spends too much time helping her classmates study. she has to focus on her own grades. to get into a good college for medical school. to...
...
is he right? it feels like something inside of her head is buzzing at an all time high. the mask falls completely, and her voice is a hollow whisper as she tries to pick through things one at a time. )
... What... happened to your brother?
no subject
[Oof. Uh. How does he bring up Harque without crying?]
...Harque was supposed to become the next Moon Master. It's— it's something important for where I'm from, basically. [In short terms.] But he couldn't use one half of the required magic, while I could, even as a child.
Because it was so important to my family for him to get this position, they worked him half to death. Twelve-hour long days, a rigid schedule, yelling their heads off if he so much as visited me. They always thought he was inadequate and that... that, I don't know, turning every day of his life into a living hell was going to fix their perceptions of him.
I was the "unwanted child". Apparently I was always the reason Harque never "did anything right" or whatever they were always on about. We're thirteen years apart — I was five when he died. My parents never took care of me, so he tried to, but he'd get shouted at when he did.
Well then, Harque discovered time magic — totally out of scope for what he was supposed to be doing, but impressive enough to earn him the title of Master. Or so you'd think, except some cult called Henir's Order came in and assassinated him for it.
So. Because of my parents, I didn't really get to know my brother all that well, and because of the Order, I'll never get the chance to.
[It's... probably obvious by now why Noah took Mafuyu's words so hard.]
no subject
and then her entire thought process scrambles because holy shit, noah's older brother was murdered- she's.
how do you react to that? like. genuinely. it's... horrifying to think about. she can't imagine having lived it. she doesn't want to.
... and in her attempts to defend a situation she was, frankly, miserable in, she made him relive it.
she's not sure she can look at him right now. )
... I'm sorry.
no subject
[And he's going to skip over the whole... doppelganger, years of human experimentation, memory issues, et cetera. Let's just not talk about that! Noah's supposed to be helping her, not the other way around.]
But that's my point — your parents shouldn't treat you like a vehicle for their hopes and dreams. Parents are supposed to have their own dreams, and if they didn't follow them, that's their fault. You're supposed to have your own, too, and not have them be overwritten by your parents.
no subject
... That... is what happened, isn't it? I wanted- I wanted to be a nurse and that wasn't good enough for them...
( why is her vision blurring...? )
no subject
Yeah, that's... what I mean. You should follow your dreams. Don't give up on them.
no subject
hiding her face in her hands, her shoulders hitch in quiet sobs. )
I- I don't know what I want a-anymore...
no subject
You don't have to know right now! They say life is a journey, and that Fate takes you where you need to go. I just...
I just think you don't need to follow someone else's dreams. That's all.
no subject
when she tries to speak, nothing comes out. so for a little bit, she'll just cling to noah and cry.
even if she thinks she kind of hates that, actually? )
no subject
Honestly, he doesn't mind. He used to be
still kind of isa crybaby. Like, throw that toxic masculinity shit out, this man cries all the time.Maybe it would've been better if he gave her a real hug, and not a weird side hug, though.]
no subject
eventually, those painful sobs die down to quiet hiccups, and her throat hurts again. her head, too. her eyes always sting after crying... people say that crying helps release the pain, that you'll feel better afterwards. she's not sure if she believes it. )
... Do you think your brother could have escaped that life...?
no subject
[Er— uh—]
He wanted the best for me, [Noah backpedals,] and to him, maybe that was through becoming a Master.
Or maybe, he just wanted to become a Master to escape. Masters are supposed to cut ties with their families, from what I'm told. He might have seen that as a way out, but I don't... I don't know.
no subject
( this is something even she can see, just from how noah talks about him. )
... You don't have to know. I don't know why I asked.
( yes she does. but she doesn't know if she'll believe any answer if she asks, 'do you think i can escape'. )